Turning a Corner

Its just a little past midnight tonight, and I'm about to go to sleep. The dog is snoring in the other room, I think either she is tired or her allergies are getting the best of her. I wonder if she is allergic to her own shedding. That would be ironic.

A remarkable thing happened to me this past week. I turned a corner. On Sunday I found something that I had been looking for during these past two months. I didn't even know I was looking for it. I found myself. Not the person that was entwined with his wife and marriage. I found me. The me who went on my own to Duke. The me that loved soccer all those years. The me that thought he could do anything if given enough time and luck. I think that when you are truly with someone - when you completely trust them and allow yourself to be vunerable - you tend to define yourself as a partner, a teamate, a lover, and a friend. When that person leaves you suddenly, it takes sometime to see yourself in your own light, your own space, your own thoughts. That is what happened to me on Sunday. I found that part of me that cannot be broken. It cannot be damaged or stolen. It had been my foundation for so long, and once again I can rest on it. If you are on my post-divorce speedial, you'll notice that I haven't called much the last couple of days. The truth is that the panic has passed. I can drive around on my own and not worry about the empty passenger's seat. I can cook at home and not be bothered by the quiet. I can go to sleep without someone wishing me goodnight. These seem like silly things, but when you are unwinding yourself from someone else, they are huge victories. All oddly enough, they all came at about the same time.

I realize that I am by no means healed. I have some really rough days ahead. But I have turned a corner. I was in a very dark place, but I feel like I have touched bottom and now am on my way out of the darkness. I feel incredibly strong.