Driving down I-35

Today, as I was making my way through countless trucks, trailers, and minivans, I reflected on the many times I have traveled this unique stretch of road between Dallas and San Antonio. When I was growing up, we used to make a couple of trips every year to see family in San Antonio - usually for Christmas or Thanksgiving. As a kid, I used to look out the window for the four hours it took to get from Ennis, Texas to San Antonio and I would just think about everything. About why the wires sagged between the telephone poles. About why the exit signs were green and not blue. About why the road was two lanes sometimes, and 3 other times. I used to look at buildings and wonder what went on inside of them. I would enjoy the stretches of prairie grass and open sky. You can see clouds for miles. You can see where it is raining and where it is sunny. If you are lucky you'll catch a rainbow or one of those times where the sun breaks through the clouds and it looks like heaven has a spot light pointed at the earth.

Today, as I was making my way back to Austin, I listened to the road and it sounded like such a familiar friend. At this point, its like a long commute that I've been doing for 27 years. I don't even pay attention to the signs any more. Mesquite, Desoto, Hillsborough, Waco, Temple, Austin. When I would drive to Duke every year, it was a time for me to reflect. Two days on the open road and twenty hours behind the wheel gave me a chance to find where I was in my journey. I would think about friends, contemplate the choices ahead, and dream about future possibilities. I have to say that recently - unlike then - one topic seems to dominate my thoughts. Because of this, I have dreaded long drives lately. But this Thanksgiving was different. I was able to really think about the future. I was able to recognize new goals, new dreams, new opportunities. I don't feel like I am running from my pain anymore. For me, it just takes a couple hundred miles of asphalt to take that single step.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE

Apparently golden retrievers are an "active breed"...

But this one is out for the count. Emma usually stays up with me for Sunday Night Football, but today she spent some time in the dog park with her new boyfriend. He's a strapping 4 year old, 40 lb, bulldog with a lovable face and a forgivable slobber problem. Emma usually barks at the boys, but this one she took to almost immediately. As her owner though, I think the relationship got physical a little too soon. Can't blame the guy for trying though, she's one pretty girl!

Grand Opening

So last wednesday was the Grand Opening of the apartment building I now live in. On the invitation it said that there would be "food and refreshments" and a "drawing will be held". In my mind I see cookies and some punch, with a couple of gift cards to Chili's.

When I got home from work on wednesday, there was a line around the block to get into my building. And these were not starving college students looking for some free food. These people were dressed like they were going to swank club and they were arriving in cars I might be able to afford in 10 years if I don't have kids. There was a bouncer at the door. I was like, "What the hell is going on?" I had to sign in and get a drink bracelet to get to my mailbox. Once I got to my apartment, I looked out from the balconey and saw no less than 400 people hanging out by the pool, sipping cocktails and enjoying the live DJ. Not only was there a DJ, but there was a light show going on with at least 2 dozen projector lenses bouncing patterns off the building walls. There were two photographers, walking through the crowd, taking pictures. I was like, "what in the world did I move into?" I was convinced I was going to see an a camera crew soon, shooting a music video.

Once I made it downstairs I learned that there was catered food from 4 different restaurants and two open bars. The open bars explained the mass of humanity, but this was still an invitation-only crowd. I was finally able to find some people from my hall and I even met some new neighbors. But mostly I was amazed at this culture that I never really knew existed. I mean, who has the free time to go party on a wednesday night and the money to look that good? You'd almost think that people with that kind of cash have better things to do with their time. Maybe they all were involved with the building developer somehow, but 600 people? It was a little surreal.

Yours truly took home second prize during the raffle drawing. The grand prize was a Vespa (see http://www.vespausa.com/), but I took home a $400 gift card to the Apple store. Yup - I'm the new owner of an IPod Touch. Mwahahaha

Agree to Disagree

I've been struggling with my sense of the world lately. In some ways I feel like I have lost my compass to getting through life. Everyone says that things like this divorce are a life lesson. That you need to learn from it and move on. What do you learn though? Was I young and naive? Was I being silly to think that my marriage would work, when so many others have failed? Occasionally, life bites you in the butt and you see the inexperience and misconceptions you had been operating under. When I was a kid, I found out that life isn't always fair. When I was in high school I learned that not everyone wants to be your friend. When I was in college, I discovered that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was.

Now, I am hearing a lot of things that just don't seem to agree with my old views and choices. Am I supposed to stick with what I have been doing or is it time to wake up? Is it time to rip the proverbial beard off of Santa Claus? Was I too idealistic in my hopes and dreams? Are we simply not meant to be with one person our whole life? Is marriage just too much to ask of people?

I used to know my answers to all of these questions. But I find myself really revisiting them in depth. Right now I can't say that I know for sure. I know I still have hope that someone could come along and stick it out through the good and the bad. But I am trying to find out where I was naive and where I was on the right track.

This whole experience is a journey and it can get messy.

the weekend in review

Turns out that the dog IS allergic to her own shedding. What a riot. I know this because I took her to get a bath at the Dirty Dog and she hasn't sneezed or snored since. Her shedding is legendary right now. She goes running through the dog park and leaves a fur trail in the air. I swear. I also bought her a toy duck (to replace the toy squirrel), which makes this great *hoooooonk* sound when you squeeze it. Emma squeezed it once, just right, and it made the sound. She freaked out, cause now she thinks its alive, and she dropped it out of her mouth. She doesn't know what to do with it at this point, I'm sure tomorrow she will give it another chance.

I went to see Los Lonely Boys and Blues Traveler at Stubbs on saturday. That was fun, though I must say that a lot of the songs carry a special meaning for me, and it's not easy to listen to them alone. To be totally honest, I have to say that Blues Traveler put on the better show, which is hard for me to admit, considering how much I love LLB. But any night at Stubbs is a good night, and I love how it is approximately 45 steps from my apartment.

Turning a Corner

Its just a little past midnight tonight, and I'm about to go to sleep. The dog is snoring in the other room, I think either she is tired or her allergies are getting the best of her. I wonder if she is allergic to her own shedding. That would be ironic.

A remarkable thing happened to me this past week. I turned a corner. On Sunday I found something that I had been looking for during these past two months. I didn't even know I was looking for it. I found myself. Not the person that was entwined with his wife and marriage. I found me. The me who went on my own to Duke. The me that loved soccer all those years. The me that thought he could do anything if given enough time and luck. I think that when you are truly with someone - when you completely trust them and allow yourself to be vunerable - you tend to define yourself as a partner, a teamate, a lover, and a friend. When that person leaves you suddenly, it takes sometime to see yourself in your own light, your own space, your own thoughts. That is what happened to me on Sunday. I found that part of me that cannot be broken. It cannot be damaged or stolen. It had been my foundation for so long, and once again I can rest on it. If you are on my post-divorce speedial, you'll notice that I haven't called much the last couple of days. The truth is that the panic has passed. I can drive around on my own and not worry about the empty passenger's seat. I can cook at home and not be bothered by the quiet. I can go to sleep without someone wishing me goodnight. These seem like silly things, but when you are unwinding yourself from someone else, they are huge victories. All oddly enough, they all came at about the same time.

I realize that I am by no means healed. I have some really rough days ahead. But I have turned a corner. I was in a very dark place, but I feel like I have touched bottom and now am on my way out of the darkness. I feel incredibly strong.